


Doldrums

by JackWhisperer1011



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abortion, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Abuse, F/M, Happy Ending, Mentions of Suicide, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Reylo Baby, They run away, Torture, actually not that dark a fic, but emotional, kylo wants to be a dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 23:53:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13581609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackWhisperer1011/pseuds/JackWhisperer1011
Summary: Rey and Kylo have been sent to try making it on their own by Leia, until they would both be able to come home and not be in danger. Things go sideways, and Kylo makes a plan to ensure Rey can have what she wants most.Ben didn't kill Han, minor plot point changes.It can get angsty in here but overall it'll have a happy ending!About 20 chapters to expect!





	1. Chapter 1

A vast ocean of emotion lapped calmly at the beach of indecisiveness as Ben sat in the living room, staring into nothing. Storms, whirlpools, tides, and right before him, doldrums. The sea could be so cruel, as could existence and inner turmoil.

He wanted something, anything, to happen. He wanted wind in his sails. He wanted a storm to strike him with lightening and set this ship ablaze. If nothing else happened he had the option to starve to death slowly, praying for change, or to jump in and beg the waters or its carnivorous fish to claim him. 

Interrupting the burgeoning agitation at the completely overwhelming sense of horrific outcomes combined with lack of notable battle, was his mother. 

"Ben, talk to me. What's wrong?" This happened frequently, when Ben felt inundated in negativity. She would always offer, and he would always hope Leia would be supportive. Every time, he thought she could offer something to assist him. 

"I'm alright," he said in monotone. It was so difficult to avoid the path this conversation always took. For years, it had been the same. 

"Can I help you?" Leia knew he wasn't ok. Rarely ever was Ben really ok. 

"No." Another step in this dance they'd perfected over time. 

"Just tell me what's up. Is it money?" Ben bristled at the hope she would be supportive. And yet he allowed it. 

"No." There would be a list. He would say no to everything. Finally, she would ask enough that he would respond with what was bothering him, aside from "everything". 

"It's work. I forgot something important. Doing things wrong stresses me out, and then I forget more." Being on edge about a previous mistake worsened his forgetfulness. He just needed kind words. Just longed for his mother to say "it'll be ok. I understand". 

"Have you tried writing things down?" The suggestion was harmless. Ben had visions of the papers upon papers he had written and crossed off hundreds of times at work. When he nodded she stayed silent one moment longer. 

"Have you tried harder to remember things? To review what you've done?" Leia had a lingering tone that happened when she just believed he wasn't doing enough. 

Ben laughed and shook his head, immediately regretting having revisited this discussion. There was no avoiding it now. 

"Maybe you need to think about what you can do for yourself. You can't just sit here and throw a pity party. What could you do to improve your situation?" Leia was bordering on frustrated. Ben was certainly too old, as an adult, to be spoken to in this demeaning manner. 

Ben was silent. There was nothing to say. He could brace himself and that was it. 

"You're not taking any suggestions. You're just sitting there, moping! You can't just feel sorry for yourself. I don't understand how you can just be this way. I didn't raise you to be self-pitying and lazy. You made all the choices that lead you here." 

Ben hadn't made many of these choices. His only choices had been in hopes to improve himself and his life. He had spent money on classes, he had gone on trips to better his skills. He had left his uncles mentorship. But things like his father's death, that wasn't his choice. The death of Chewie, his lifelong friend, had been no ones choice. Nor his recent breakup, his injury, or the fact that his mental health was wreaking havoc. 

He wasn't allowed to be upset by any of it. Leia was more sad because it was her husband, her friend. Ben's mental health was just him being lazy and selfish, and caused her great stress. Having Ben around was a burden and she mentioned it often. 

"I'm leaving." Ben announced as he stood to exit. Leia tossed a comment his way about avoiding his problems to throw a pity party. He needed to get out of there. He'd gone back to help her, after years of being apart, and he wished he hadn't. 

Any time he ate something unhealthy she made a remark. If there was a dish or surcoat left about she was sure to mention it. 

Sometimes he wanted to die. He wanted to will the life inside his body to just abandon him. He was worthless. None of his emotions were valid, everything was his fault. Nothing he did was right, all decisions a failure. For some reason he couldn't bring himself to do it intentionally, but at times desired it nonetheless. 

***

"Ben, please!" Rey breathed desperately. It was entirely empty in the room they occupied on ship. So many months fighting to survive on a remote planet had made her so tired. 

"I don't know what to say! I don't think you want to hear it, Rey." Ben felt his heart in his throat. He felt simultaneously numb and anxious. 

They'd been on the run so long. Both had forsaken their allegiances and instead, tried to start fresh together. But in this moment, surrounded by war and fear and hate, all he could think about was his absent father and his emotionally abusive mother. All Rey could think of were her abandoners. 

"I know what you're thinking. I know what you'll say," she choked out. "You need to say it. We both need to hear it." 

"Rey, we don't need any more pain. We haven't had time to see who we can ever be yet- alone or together. Is this barren planet, possibly seconds away from an attack, or an accident, where you think we should be doing this?" Ben's voice cracked as he desperately whispered his fears to her. 

"You don't want this?" Her voice was neither hopeful nor accusatory. She knew what had to happen, she needed to hear him confirm it. 

"I want this. I want this so badly it doesn't even make sense. We both want this chance to start fresh and be better than the people who raised us. But we can't. Not here. Not with all of this going on. It's exactly why my parents were so distracted and broken." Rey finally broke, her features shattering into tears and small cries. She buried her face in his chest as he held her. 

"Rey, we will need a medical facility to do this. If we can find one for this procedure, maybe we can find one to keep going to. We have to try. But please, don't get your hopes up. It'll be so much harder if something were to happen down the road." Ben tucked her under his chin, clasping her to his solid chest in a weak attempt to console her. 

A small nod came, but he could sense her desperation. After one ragged breath in, Rey flooded his poor heart with a riptide of lust, repentance, sorrow, guilt, desire, and fear. 

"I want nothing more than your baby I am carrying right now. I'll do anything."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out what plan Leia has. 
> 
> I live off comments so please tell me anything you'd like to say! I am also interested in where you guys want this to go or think it will!

Ben awaited a transmission back from Leias cloaked holocron. After requesting a medical doctor, or access to one, he wondered what she thought had happened. 

They'd been sent to Hal For with basic medical and emergency supplies. If they were to be seriously attacked, the secret would be out anyhow and the Resistance would be able to swoop in and bring them to safety. They weren't supposed to require a doctor or droid. 

Due to the possibility of Ben's message being intercepted, or located, he knew it could be some time before it bounced around and translated through the channels in order for Leia to receive it. Same went for her reply. 

Rey was obviously just as impatient, hiding it poorly by fussing around the ship and gathering some foods from around it. A static of nerves fed through the bond and bled into his very own waking emotions, sometimes making him question how anxious he was, or if it was from his companion alone. 

If Ben and Rey were able to leave without getting caught, and find an obstetrician, or bring one to them, he would be tentatively overjoyed. It would be the first good news since they had been left to their own devices until it was safe to reveal his treason, and, in a way, Rey's. They might be able to keep the baby. Perhaps the war would end in the next 8 months. Or they'd be able to receive the supplies needed to care for a newborn until a relative peace arrived. 

Ben was afraid of this thing, Hope. It was not a spark, as his mother described. It was like a wayward candle, the only light in a tunnel. It could be leading him out... or it could be luring him in. But it was the only thing he had. Was that more or less terrifying than a complete knowledge of what would come next? 

Rey clung to the idea of being able to keep her baby. To her, it was already a baby. She wanted it to be, dreamed it to be, longed to feel little kicks and imagine his eyes and her nose. Had she been less keen to become a parent one day, the situation may have been different. For now, the reality that she may not get to hold an infant in her arms for many more months or years than hoped, was a dark thought indeed. 

Rey was always so light. She had seen the best in Finn, Poe, the Resistance, and now Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, was sitting next to her, the father of her unborn child. Her unwavering faith that things would be alright could be their saving grace, so Ben never breathed a word against it. He wanted to believe in her. 

"Ben? Ben, what's wrong? I'm coming to get you. No one will even know I'm gone, I'll take a transport ship. You'll both be safe, we will get you to a doctor. If you are ill or injured, and don't think you can wait, go to the closest planet, trade your ship, and go to a medibay immediately." Leia was ever the professional and politician, but with the only remaining parts of her family under threat, she let emotions out at times. 

Ben immediately began recording another message to be distorted and pulled apart, hoping word by word each transmission would be rebuilt in the same final receiver. There were no words to tell his newly regained mother of their predicament. It tore him apart to say it, lightyears away, through a jumbler to make sure no one else knew what he meant. 

"She's pregnant. We don't know what to do."

It was as if he was seventeen again. Some foolish child making a big mistake, easily avoided by wearing protection. However, he was into his thirties now. Rey's doses had been modified for the length of time they'd be away, but it made the preventative measure less useful. Alone on a planet with the love of his life and adrenaline coursing through them at all times. What else would occupy their time and describe their passion?

Over an hour later, both silent the entire stretch, they heard word from Leia. 

"Just wait for me. I'll be there soon." 

 

By the time Leia arrived, Rey and Ben had a couple days to settle into their news. Communication was easier, and they'd discussed the outcomes. For now, they would believe in the best, especially if Leia had come to help. 

"I love you. I want to hold your waist as you swell, I want to whisper to the baby at night. If this doesn't happen for us, I promise to have this for us one day. I will be different than my parents, and you will be better than yours. We will have it all," his dark-side morals shone through his innermost desires. He was never the settling type. 

"I love you too. More than anything, I want to feel safe and at home when we have our baby. I don't wish to fear for them each moment, or fear leaving them alone like I was. We must be there for any child of ours. We have to be." Rey's face crumpled a bit, realizing how unlikely that was in their current situation. 

 

Shortly after sunrise the sound of another ship landed next to theirs. Ben braced himself for what would happen next, unsure what his mother would say, or how much she could help. 

"Ben! Rey!" His mothers warm smile greeted them as she reached their ramp. Leia was talented at making any scenario seem less dire. As she hugged Rey, she gave a meaningful smile to Ben. 

Ben led the group to sit at their table, hoping to skip the political frivolities and have the answers he needed in a timely fashion. The anticipation was making his hands numb and his mouth dry. As he attempted reading his mothers body language he was even more bitter to find no clues. 

"I have a suggestion, but I don't think you'll like it. It's the only way I could imagine this working out." Leia knew her son only well enough to know he was not patient or calm. He was an emotional disaster with crippling anxiety. 

Rey froze as she schooled her features to disguise any worry she felt. Ben had been holding her hand, and felt it leave to stretch over her abdomen. He breathed evenly outward as Leia continued. 

"Rey could come with me, since no one sees her as anything except their friend with us," she turned to Rey. "You could have access to all medical services, your friends, and I could support you. When it's safe, you could visit Ben. But it isn't safe for him to come."

As much as Rey knew it was breaking Leia's heart to not be able to bring her son home, it broke hers more. She thought of how they had both promised to be there for any child they'd ever have, lest they end up lonely and broken like they had both been. Could she handle going it alone, hopefully temporarily? Would Ben be alright? 

"What do I tell everyone about who the father is?" Rey couldn't imagine she could tell the truth if she had to leave Ben behind. 

"I spoke to Poe Dameron about your situation, but we can use anyone's name for now as long as they won't deny. It will only be until we have some things cleared off Ben's name, and the information won't turn anyone hostile to Rey. Your friends would all be willing to commit to your story, I'm certain." 

Ben struggled to keep his composure. Could Rey seriously be considering this? His isolation drove him to darkness throughout his life, what would happen to him alone out on this planet? However this wasn't really about him. It was about Rey and the baby. 

"Leia, what happens to Ben if they find him here? What happens if someone is suspicious in the Rebellion? You know that whatever child we have will need both of us. They'll need to know love, to know light, and to know how to handle their darkness. It's too dangerous to risk it if we have a baby that doesn't have both of us there." 

Rey had told him she felt the same as he. So many points directed her to staying with Ben. But that meant she needed to make a decision. 

"What about bringing a doctor here to stay, or bringing Rey to the Resistance when she needs a checkup?" 

"If something were to happen, you couldn't wait two days to get Rey to a doctor. There's no way she can stay on this planet, Ben. I'm sorry. What would happen if the doctor needed assistance for you? Or if you got attacked? You can both fend for yourselves, but is Rey going to be capable of defending herself when she's nine months pregnant? How will you defend an additional person? Or trust a medic that doesn't trust you?" Leia always had 1000 reasons that he should suffer. And she was usually right. "Would you be able to live with yourself if something happened to her?"

No one spoke for a minute. Rey's lip quivered and her breathing was unsteady, she tried very hard to manage her emotions. 

"What about... what about if I wanted an abortion? Would Ben be able to be there? I couldn't be alone." 

"Oh, Rey. I don't think so. You'd have to come to us, but I could be there." Leia held Rey's hand. 

Rey's tears were set loose as she faced her decision. She set her jaw and weighed her options, one hand in Leia's and another in Ben's. 

"Let me see my friends? Let me see how I feel, what ideas they've got." Rey hoped to hear some advice from her best friends. They were so passionate and determined. Surely they'd have answers. 

Leia nodded, and Ben remained in his state of snowballing thoughts. He tried to ignore his prospective isolation. If Rey made her decision, would he get to see her to say goodbye before she terminated? 

"We can leave immediately. We are on a bit of a timeline since I don't want anyone to locate me, or notice how long I was gone." 

 

Leia went to prep her ship for flight. She gave them about an hour to gather themselves. Rey stood and began to pace, but Ben took shelter in their room, on the day bed.

"Ben," a soft voice broke his focus. "I love you." It was the most heartbreaking thing she could say, and in such a torn up tone. 

Ben stood immediately from the day bed, and wrapped her up safely in his arms. She sobbed into his chest, and he rubbed her back. When she relaxed a little, he tipped her chin up and gave her a sad but tender kiss. 

"I'm scared," she admitted between his loving kisses. She was desperate for his touch, his attention. He pulled her gently toward him and sat on the bed. Rey bent over to kiss him as he cupped her face. 

As Rey straightened up, he tugged her waist closer to him, between his legs. Ben leaned forward and rested his head on her abdomen. Her fingers combed through his hair, helping calm both of them. He peppered her belly with kisses as he started losing his cool. Thoughts of what he wished most to say spilled all over his mind, yet he tried to hide them to avoid affecting Rey's decision. 

Rey climbed onto the bed, placing her legs on either side of his hips. To settle them lengthwise, he flipped them and pressed his body to hers. 

Ben palmed her swollen breasts, and she dismissed their tenderness. They hadn't been apart in nearly a year. There was incredible stress boosting both of their desire for each other. Ben had been noting all the changes to Rey's body as she grew with his child. Would he be disappointed the next time they were together? There was nothing that could make the two feel more bonded than this pregnancy, even their force connection. 

As they disrobed, Ben catalogued every part of her, hoping she wouldn't be gone long. He didn't want to miss anything. The soft, smooth roundness of her midsection that barely existed was the most sensual aphrodisiac of his life. Knowing his seed had created life, life for her to nourish, was too much. Daydreaming of ultrasounds, dealing with her cravings, and seeing a newborn that belonged to them, made him want to claim Rey. 

"Please come back to me soon." His whisper made Rey pull him down to kiss him. She wrapped her legs around him and gasped on contact. Her desperation grew as she felt the telltale signs that he needed to connect to her. He dragged his cock up and down her slit and then aligned himself. 

Rey was swollen with all the additional blood, and was extra tight and sensitive. As Ben slid into her slowly, rocking back and forth, she clenched her hands in his hair, in the sheets. He gasped as he thrust, whispering sweet nothings about his love and their future baby. He had always had a bit of a pregnancy kink, and it had come up in bed before. Something about feeling a claim and connection, having a purpose was a huge drive for him. Now it was so real and so terrifying, but only increased both of their need. 

Rey was immediately panting with arousal, feeling dizzy from the increased pleasure. Ben was overcome by all of the emotional pretences and was quickly on the brink. He drove into her as she mewled beneath him. One hand on her hip, another bracing her neck as he kissed her soundly. 

Minutes later they were both collapsed, his seed leaking from her as he whispered to her stomach. She kept drawing her fingers through his too-long hair as he spoke to their fetus. 

"I don't know if you'll ever meet us, I don't know if I'll ever meet you," Rey's heart broke at these words and possibilities. "But I'll always love you. No matter what." 

Both Rey and Ben held their emotions at bay as they showered together, as they packed a bag, and when Ben brought her to the landing pad. As they kissed, tears were shed on both sides. When Leia stood at the opposite end, Rey stepped back, her hand in his. She took one more step away, and could barely force herself to withdraw her hand from his, which grasped it so strongly. 

His life shattered before him as Rey left on a ship and he was stranded on a deserted planet, wondering when he would see her again.


End file.
